Sorry not sorry

After Birdy was born, there were a whole host of things I felt guilty about. This was before we realized she was dealing with colic and I was dealing with PPD/PPA, but at the time, it was just so. much. guilt. I felt awful that as much as I loved her I just wanted her to stop crying. That I wanted to be able to put her down. That I craved sleep above almost all else. That I missed the relationship I used to have with Hubs, because I just couldn’t give him the same attention that I gave Birdy. That I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from being super-vigilant all the time because I was so worried something would happen and we would still lose her (ahem, PPA). That I couldn’t do it all, that I needed help, that I was already failing at being her mother (thanks, PPD). And on and on and on.

It seemed like, and still seems like, the only things I didn’t feel guilty about, didn’t feel the need to apologize for, were the things society at large kind of passively aggressively tells new mothers they should feel bad about.

Namely, for me, the big two of how I gave birth and how I provided nourishment.

I decided very early on in my pregnancy that I wouldn’t be breastfeeding. It’s my body, it’s my choice, and I shouldn’t have to defend it, but I did have my reasons and had they asked I would have had no problem laying it out for them. I’m about to get all kinds of personal, so brace yourself: my nipples have always been extremely sensitive. I mean to the extent that often during our adulting I have to declare them off limits to Hubs, and that an accidental graze can be painful. So I knew that breastfeeding would be an awful experience for me. I knew I would dread it. And I also knew that Birdy would be able to feel my dread and I didn’t want feeding her to be a negative experience for either one of us — that wouldn’t allow for a lovely bonding experience at all. I know all the benefits of breast milk for an infant, but I also know that many infants have been formula fed due to choice or circumstance and turned out just fine. Like me. So I did my research and found a formula that I thought would be best for Birdy as far as nutrients, development, digestion, etc. and that’s what I went with. But oh lordy the looks I got when I said “no” to the question of are-you-breastfeeding in the hospital. It was a lot. Multiple times a day. Even in my haze I wanted to ask, “Isn’t this on my chart? Shouldn’t somebody have written down that I said no a bajillion times already?” A part of me thought that maybe they believed if enough people continued to question me I’d break down and do what they wanted.

But I didn’t, and Birdy is doing very well in her development. Sorry, not sorry.

Birdy was breech most of the pregnancy, but flipped about a month before she was born. After the Spectacular Failure of the induction (more detailed post on that to come), the medical team wanted me to wait two weeks and then try another induction. I refused and asked for other options, knowing the hospital was very proud of their low C-section rate and didn’t really want to go that route if they didn’t have to, and also knowing that that’s what they were going to damn well give me. The thing was, even though they said Birdy was doing just fine to sit tight and wait it out another two weeks, even though they were the medical professionals, they weren’t me or Birdy and they didn’t experience the induction the way we did. No matter what their tests said, I knew the induction was rough on her, and knew it was rough on me, and I wasn’t doing that to us again. I know a C-section is major surgery, I understand it comes with risks, but at that point I truly felt it was the safest way to get Birdy delivered. I was terrified that we would wait too long and we’d lose her before she could be born. I didn’t want her birth to turn into an emergency situation where we ended up having to get an emergency C-section anyway, I much preferred we prepare for it ahead of time. I felt like people were acting as though “C-section” was a dirty word, something that if it had to be uttered aloud, needed to be whispered or mumbled (which is exactly how the doctor presented me with the option after I nixed induction number two).

As it turns out, the doctor who did my C-section (different one from earlier) said during the procedure that it was probably a good thing I’d gone that route. So, sorry, not sorry.

New mamas (and in general, anyone at all, really), it’s okay to trust your gut and stick to your guns. As a neighbor said to me when I was very carefully trying to recount all this, “they may know the medicine, but you know your body”.

Prenatal and Postpartum book catch-up!

After having Birdy and tackling her colic and my postpartum depression and anxiety, I feel like it takes me for…ev…er to get through a book. The other week my mom saw my then-current read sitting on the couch and said, “My GOSH you’ve been reading this book for weeks!” To which I responded that my average reading schedule seems to be about six weeks at the moment, and she remarked it used to take me six HOURS, ha. But, I’m happy to report that my most recent finished book only took me ONE week to get through, which makes me kind of excited. It ties in with Birdy starting to go down for sleep earlier. Most nights.

Anyway, here are my book recommendations from right before Birdy was born, to the present. I’m not including cover pictures for these, because, time. But you can find them if you are so inclined :-).

Prenatal reads:

1. Half of What You Hear by Kristyn Kusek Lewis

2. Marilla of Green Gables by Sarah McCoy — Truthfully, I was pretty nervous about this read, because I adored the Anne of Green Gables series growing up and I was worried this book would just ruin everything. But it didn’t! I loved it and felt it held true to the original spirit brought about my L.M. Montgomery.

3. In Her Bones by Kate Moretti

4. The Optimist’s Guide to Letting Go by Amy E. Reichert

5. Mary Berry: Recipe for Life by Mary Berry — If you love yourself some early days of The Great British Bake-Off and seriously miss Mary Berry on the Netflix screen, give this book a go.

6. Happy People Read and Drink Coffee by Agnes Martin-Lugand — TBH, I wasn’t completely-bowled-over-with-wow for this book, but it did manage to make me interested in the follow up book that is apparently coming out at some point; so, honorable mention.

Postpartum Reads:

1. The Children by Ann Leary — My mom passed this on to me after rescuing it from a B&N bargain bin. I wasn’t sold on it, still being in the early throes of PPD/PPA, but I started it and slowly worked my way through, and ended up really enjoying it (which was lovely because it felt like it had been so long since I’d had the will or energy to read anything)!

2. More Than Words by Jill Santopolo — Real talk, the sex scenes in this book seemed cringe-worthy awkward and in my opinion could have been done with a bit of less-is-more, BUT the core of the story was good.

3. The Dream Peddler by Martine Fournier Watson — A bit heavy, but completely lovely.

4. The Library of Lost and Found by Phaedra Patrick — Loved it! Every bit as delightful as her earlier work of The Curious Charms of Arthur Pepper.

And that’s it! I’m actually going to have to go back to the library this week for a new read, which I can hardly believe. I’ve been avoiding it because, as I stated earlier, it’s been taking me six weeks to get through a book and I can only check out a book for two weeks at a time and late fees would have undoubtedly occurred. But I’m going to summon my courage and try it!

525,600 minutes

What a difference a year makes.

A year ago today, was the most difficult day of my life. Never before have I been as blindsided by devastation, pain, grief, disbelief, and certainty as I was that day, all at once. And love. The strength of a love that is staggering in the loss.

I went into my OB’s office expecting to see my baby growing and safe. Instead, we were confronted with our baby’s lifeless form on the ultrasound screen. No warning. But nothing could have prepared us for that anyway.

After the subsequent D&C, I wrote a letter to Charlie, my lost child. I told him the only thing I got to know about him was his heartbeat, and how much I loved him. Then I sealed it and put it him his memory box.

525,600 minutes later, my infant daughter, two months new, is napping in front of me. Charlie’s sister. Birdy is beautiful, and puzzling, and colicky, and seeing her smile and hearing her coo makes my day.

And I know that without Charlie, there would be no Birdy. If we had waited longer after losing him to try to conceive, we might have a baby –a little life that we would undoubtedly love — but it wouldn’t be Birdy. It wouldn’t be her little soul.

There’s an element of cognitive dissonance in that.

But a year after the worst day of my life, I can only be grateful. For both of my children.

Sidelined

Despite my best intentions to write more on here again, I’ve been sidelined both because Birdy has colic and because I’ve developed postpartum depression and anxiety.

Both of these issues are rough and hard to navigate. But what they have in common is that I didn’t do anything to cause them (read: it isn’t my fault) and I don’t have control over them occurring. I do have control over how I react, though. For myself, I called my doctor and made an appointment to talk about it. I then started medication to help. It’ll take 1-3 weeks for it to kick in, so until then I’m coping as best I can. For Birdy’s colic (and for myself and Hubs), I’m making myself accept help from others, which has never been my strong suit, and loving her through it. Doing these things are going to help me operate as the best me I can be.

Here’s my PSA: It is okay to accept help from others, it is okay to take medication if you need it. It doesn’t mean you less of a person or a bad parent. (I say that to continue to remind myself as well.)

Catch you all down the road.

Dear Body

Dear Body, I’m sorry.

Dear Body, thank you.

When Charlie died, I blamed you. I blamed you for not doing the one thing that was supposed to be the most natural thing you could do. I blamed you for not sending me the signals that something was wrong. I thought you were defective, that you wouldn’t ever be able to do anything right. When we started trying again, I went ahead and blamed you ahead of time in case we were unsuccessful.

When I did get pregnant again, I didn’t trust you. I held my breath for months, convinced you would fail me again, fail the new baby. When we learned the level of amniotic fluid was lower than optimal, I thought of all the ways that could be detrimental to the baby, and I blamed you for not being able to regulate the fluid. After I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, I was so angry that you’d become insulin-resistant, and further placed the baby at risk. When the placenta showed signs of being three weeks more aged than it was supposed to, I laid yet another strike against you.

I spent most of the last trimester feeling like I was in limbo, so worried that you wouldn’t be able to sustain her until birth. I was so grateful when they finally induced me — but when the induction failed, it was another in a long list of things that was your fault. Why couldn’t you just get things right?

Body, I’m so sorry. For blaming you again and again, for being so angry, for the times I felt like I hated you. I was so filled with fear that I couldn’t see all the gifts you were giving me.

When Charlie died, there was nothing you could have done to change it. But you tried. You didn’t send me signals that anything as wrong because you were trying so hard to make it not so. You were trying to keep Charlie safe and warm inside for as long as you could.

When we started to try again you got ready right away, and almost immediately Birdy came into existence. While I worried about you failing, you persevered every day to help Birdy grow. You battled the low fluid, the gestational diabetes, the placental lakes, the aging placenta, and my fear — and you did it all while keeping Birdy safe.

Oh, Body, you must have been so tired. And then the induction happened and I willed you to let her go so I could have her outside. The process further exhausted us all but you wouldn’t give up on her. And though I was devastated, your stubbornness meant she got more time to develop those lungs and prepare for the wild world.

Even with my lack of faith in you, you never failed me — never failed us. You have worked so hard this year. Even in my anxious moments, please know I marveled at how you carried her life.

Body, thank you. Thank you for more than I know how to say.

You look different now, you feel different. The stretch marks, the saggy skin, the scar that will come; these are all reminders of what you accomplished for me. Once again you are working hard, this time to help me recover.

I’m sorry I doubted you. Thank you for your strength. Body, you are a warrior.

Bringing Birdy Home

It’s hard to believe I haven’t really been on here since January, but at the same time, not that hard to believe at all.

Though the past couple months have been chock-full of stuff to write about, the most monumental and literally life changing is that Birdy was born!

I tried my best to fight for what was best for her all the way up until she took her first breath of air, and thankfully she is doing well. But let me tell you, mom-guilt is real and (at least for me) kicked in before she was even technically born.

Right now, we’re getting into some semblance of a routine as a new family of three, and Hubs and I are learning how to operate on less than optimal sleep (which I know is par for the course). So often I look at Birdy and still can’t believe she’s here, that she’s real, that we made a tiny human, that not too long ago she lived inside of me. I get that it’s biology, I understand how it scientifically happens — but that doesn’t change that to me she is some kind of miraculous.

While I’m on maternity leave, in addition to spending much needed time with her, I’d like to pick back up my writing on here. My idea is that over the next couple months I’ll write some new posts that chronicle the last couple months of pregnancy with her, her entry into the world, new mama-dom, and throw in some book recommendations, etc. as well. We’ll see how far I get on this, because obviously Birdy-time is my priority; but as I’ve been told by multiple sources it’s still important to take care of myself as well, and I think this could be part of how I do that.