…when you’re fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartache, whatever you wish for you keep… #Cinderella (right?)
I’ve been dreaming more lately. Well, dreaming and vaguely remembering them, as opposed to forgetting them upon waking.
I’ve been dreaming about kids. I know; seems pretty predictable, right? But I didn’t start having these dreams until maybe a week ago, and we lost our baby at the end of April. Furthermore, the dreams are about kids, not babies. (Yes, I am well aware that babies grow into kids. But you’d think given that we lost a baby, I’d be dreaming about babies.)
They’re those kind of dreams where, even when you’re in them, some part of your brain knows it’s just a dream. Where even though you are full-on asleep, your conscious mind is still like, “WARNING: Girl, this is a dream. This is NOT REAL. Did you hear me? A DREAM.” And your subconscious mind is like, “Yeah, yeah. Just lemme see how this plays out.”
The most vivid one, the one that keeps tugging on my memory, is also a really short one: It’s morning, early, and hubs and I are still in bed, but there’s some low light coming in the windows from the outside. I know this because hubs and I are groggily awake so I can see it. We’re groggily awake, because at some point before the dream began, the kids (plural) must have climbed in bed with us. Because we’re both moving around trying to give ourselves a modicum of space without waking up these kids who have taken over most of the mattress and fallen asleep in the most uncomfortable-looking positions. [Conscious brain: These are not actually your kids. Got it? This is a DREAM. These kids? Not yours. Subconscious brain: Shut up.] And I remember feeling slightly exasperated in the dream, because it would be nice to get to sleep in a little bit without having to maneuver around the limbs of these tiny humans. And as I’m feeling this way the boy starts muttering in his sleep and attempting to turn over and I immediately attempt to mitigate more limbs. Finally, hubs and I manage some kind of arrangement that, while still not comfortable and still involves kids being draped over and between us somehow, isn’t impossible. And I remember smiling a small smile in the dream as I began to fall back asleep because despite the tangle of people in a bed too small for that many bodies, I love it.
And then I woke up.