Gray in the gray matter

I always tell the kids they have beautiful brains in their heads. I like to think that if they don’t remember anything else about kindergarten when they grow up, they’ll remember that — that they have a beautiful brain. That they have a beautiful brain they can use to be a beautiful person; for who they are, not what they look like. I like to think that one day, if I get the chance to have a child of my own, I’ll be able to give that to them as well. If.

I have a beautiful brain, and I use it for good things, at least I try. But sometimes I feel like it’s not operating on all cylinders since the miscarriage. Like it’s been altered, changed. I guess it has. I like information, I like to understand, I like to know the why of things, and I haven’t gotten that in quite some time. I get that the world is full of gray areas, I even respect that. We’d lose an awful lot of life if everything was always black and white. But all the gray in my gray matter right now is kind of difficult. I can feel myself moving through, going forward, and I know objectively that that’s good. That’s coping, and coping is positive. And a big part of me wants to go and do and be, but another big part of me just wants to stay and rest. I’m scared a lot; a quiet scared, but it’s still there. The what-ifs for the potential future plague me, because right now most of them are in the negative arena.

This new position I got, it should excite me, energize me. And before, the idea of it did. But now it’s after, and though I still think it’s a good move, I’m not looking forward to it like I want to be.

I’ve done a grand total of one thing on my summer list in the past two and a half weeks. One. I haven’t been a shut in, but I haven’t really “seized the day” either.

I kind of feel like every day I’m fighting something I can’t see. Do you know what I mean? Do you ever feel like that?

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