Okay, here goes: out with it

I’ve been struggling lately, because ever since my miscarriage I’ve been pretty vocal about how it shouldn’t be such a hush-hush topic, something women are almost made to be ashamed of talking about. I’ve also been pretty pissed at a plethora of stupid things people say afterwards — including that you really shouldn’t tell people you’re pregnant until you’re safely out of the first trimester. Because, honestly? It’s your damn body, and your damn pregnancy, and your hopeful little life growing so you should tell people whenever the eff you want and they should support you! That, or just shut up.

But I’ve been having trouble. Because as vehemently as I believe all of that, I’ve been afraid to put something down in words here. Afraid of jinxing myself, maybe, or afraid or judgement. I shouldn’t be afraid of those things, but I can’t help it. However, I’ve been thinking lately that shouting it out into this void may help me. So, okay, here goes.

I’m pregnant again.

At least I’m five pee sticks-no June period-sore breasts, pregnant. Five weeks along. I figured it out at three. I haven’t had the official doctor’s appointment yet, that’s next week. It’s been so hard to wait until then for medical confirmation. I switched OBGYNs (because you know how it went with the last one), so they don’t fully know my history. I really wanted to yell through the phone and demand they let me come in for blood tests immediately, but I made myself not do that. Currently, I’m psyching myself up to be assertive-but-not-too-rude at the actual appointment so they give me what I want to ease my insane amount of quiet anxiety and fear (at least for a moment).

And what I want are blood and urine tests to check my hormone levels and make sure they’re where they should be for six weeks. And I want an early ultrasound. I don’t want to see anything, I’m not sure I can handle that. But I want them to look (and listen) to see if whatever is going on in there is okay for six weeks.

Because I need to know. I need to know if things are okay (for now), or if my new hope is already gone. I can’t count on my body to let me know, since last time it definitely didn’t. So I really need this new practice to be chock-full of kind, compassionate, knowledgeable, indulgent people who will help me.

We’ve told my mom, and two close friends. I told hubby that if we lose this baby too, we’re going to need people who know that it existed. But I’m very hesitant to tell anyone else. Which I get conflicted over, because I’ve become so pro-voicing. But then I tell myself, it’s really not so much about telling people everything all the time about miscarriages or pregnancies, it’s just feeling that if you want to you can and should be able to do that. Right now, I don’t want to tell the rest of our family or friends yet. I’m gun-shy about this new pregnancy, even as I’m desperate for it to end with my child in my arms. But I did need to talk about it somewhere. So, thanks, blogosphere.

I don’t think I’ll really be able to breathe any easier until we successfully pass the twelve week mark, if we get that far. But taking it day by day is the best I can do right now.

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