I’ll keep you my dirty little secret

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about telling people about the new baby. I’m eight weeks along, and though I know there is still so much that can go wrong, it’s starting to feel wrong to keep it a secret. At this point with Charlie, we had told our family and close friends. Right now, a select few people know, but most don’t; because we’re cautious and, quite frankly, terrified of losing this second baby, too.

But I feel like we’re treating the new baby like this dirty little secret. Like we did something wrong to try to conceive again so soon after we lost Charlie. And I hate that. Because this new baby isn’t a bad thing. This baby is hope. By not sharing the news, I feel like the naysayers are winning. Those insensitive people who told us we shouldn’t have told anyone about Charlie when we did. That we should wait in subsequent pregnancies. That we should never tell anyone until we’re through the first trimester. Acting like by sharing our joy we caused our own pain. I hate feeling like we’re acquiescing to them. Like our silence is showing complicit agreement that they were right.

And they weren’t. They aren’t. We didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe it’s my competitive streak, but I loathe even putting the idea into the universe, even if it’s by accident, that those people win this round. That they know best and we don’t.

I know that our reluctance to share isn’t because of those people, but because of our fear. Fear that was born of our grief.

Hubs and I have had a couple of tough conversations about sharing. He wanted to wait until 20 weeks. I can’t do that. Because I want to start being happier about this pregnancy than I am afraid of what might happen. I want hope to be bigger. And I think that part of that, part of helping us to move closer to hope, will be to share with people who love us and care about us. To let them share in the hope, and help (even just through knowledge of this new life) to raise us up. To walk with us through what may come.

I’m okay with waiting until after our 12 week appointment. It’s the big one that looms in front of me. Charlie didn’t make it to 12 weeks, though of course we didn’t know that then. If this baby does, I’ll feel like we made it past the first hurdle. I’ll want people to know. I’ll want people to celebrate that milestone along with us. I’ll want this baby brought into the light.


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