The first hurdle

Hubs called it our line in the sand. I equate it with the first big hurdle we need to make it over.

Our 12 week scan is in three days. I’m torn between excitement and abject fear. Charlie didn’t make it to 12 weeks. But 12 weeks was when we found that out. I keep telling myself that everything is fine. I keep logging every pregnancy symptom I’m still having, even though I know that’s certainly not a fail-safe. I keep writing letters to March baby. I’ve told my dad about the new baby; a difficult conversation for us both, but one that I think was good to have had.

I like to believe that I’ve come a long way, fear vs. hope-wise, in the almost nine weeks that I’ve known March baby exists. For most of my days, I’m able to be content in my pregnancy — at least as content as I can be right now. But there’s always at least just a moment, sometimes more, each day where the fear slips in. Where getting to the appointment means knowing something I may not want to know. And I wonder how I would get through losing our baby again. Losing Charlie changed me, profoundly, in ways I didn’t know were possible. What could happen this time?

Now, I try to push the fearful thoughts away, and tell myself it could just as likely be that we get to see March baby lively and active with a strong beating heart. I try to think about October, when we would know whether the baby is a boy or a girl. I try to think about the holidays, when we’ll be preparing for their arrival. I try to think about March, when the baby will be screaming at the cold, harsh air in the hospital room and it will be the best sound I’ve ever heard.

But first, we need to clear the hurdle.

Send us some good thoughts, universe.

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