After months of intense fear, the 12-week appointment last week made me feel like a dark cloud had been lifted. We passed. We cleared the first hurdle. March baby is fine. Wiggling around so much it took the tech forever to see the markers she needed to see to check for the screening stuff. Baby was in there doing full on somersaults! I fully expected to cry, either way, when we found out if the baby was okay or not. But once the tech told us the baby was alive, and growing, and had a good heart beat, all of a sudden for the the first time in months, I didn’t need to cry. I was just amazingly relieved and marveling at this little life that I felt like it was finally okay for me to celebrate.
Before we left that night, the tech told me that if I ever just have a day during the pregnancy when I need immediate confirmation that everything is okay, I can just call and come in to have them check the heartbeat. I didn’t believe her at first, since at my very first appointment the nurse practitioner had told me in NO uncertain terms that I could NOT come in for peace-of-mind checks. But the tech assured me that I could, and then said, “When you go through something like what you when through, especially when you didn’t have any signs, it messes with your mind.” And then again told me to just feel free to come in. I so appreciated her the entire way through the appointment, and even more during that last brief conversation. Because she’s right. The loss of Charlie had messed with my mind. Messed with my heart. Messed with my life. Not that it’s Charlie’s fault, of course not; but that level of grief — I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure how I could go through that again.
We came home on Cloud 9. We shared the good news with family and friends who knew about the pregnancy, and felt safe enough to share about March baby with a few more people who hadn’t known. We hung the sonogram on our fridge. We started to address the future with March baby like it was a tangible thing now. The fear isn’t totally gone, I’ll admit. I’m a little worried that at my check up on Tuesday the universe will bust out with a “Ha! Just kidding! Everything is NOT fine! GOTCHA!” But I also feel that we’ve fully moved into hope over fear and I’m so grateful. And I feel lighter.
We’ve got a little acrobat :-).