Change is good, and often for the better, but I don’t always like it. I knew moving into a new position would be different. I knew there would be some growing pains. To be honest, I’ve had some moments where I’ve briefly wondered if perhaps I made a mistake.

I’m looking at a caseload that has doubled since last year, and that will mean the students I’m trying to support won’t get as much time as they need, which gnaws at me. I’m going into the fourth week of school and I’m still not done testing yet. And the testing window closes this Friday, so I’m begging the universe not to have any more students enroll.

I’m at the mercy of a whole bunch of factors that are completely out of my control. I have to assess the students using a specific, web-based program — but the tech keeps going down, and our IT person isn’t full time, and I keep losing time. The other day, I called up the program people myself and when they asked for the IT person I told them I had no idea when I’d be seeing him, so I really needed them to walk me through whatever they’d tell the tech person to do because I didn’t have time to waste. Which went okay, until something required an admin password which I do not have.

One of the students I had to assess the other day started crying because she was so frustrated. I’m not allowed to help them, because the assessment has to show what they can do on their own. But my heart broke for her, and I don’t think she understood that I wasn’t allowed to help — but that I so badly wanted to help her.

I know it seems like I’m whining. I know I should have expected all of this, to a certain extent, and logically, I did. But living in it for weeks feels different. I just want to get through this part so I can get to the point where I actually am spending my time helping these students as best as I can. That’s teaching in general though, right? We just want to help the students learn, but it often feels like so many other things get in the way.

Next week, I’m hoping, will feel more purpose-driven.

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